Shall we talk about shoes? Shall we? And then can we talk about handbags and stuff too? A few weeks ago, I mentioned idiotically high shoes and said they were over. I ever so slightly fibbed. There are still shoes for next season that will require mounting blocks and full medical insurance. There are two shoe trends that worry me – one is the "tapered wedge" (© Invisible Woman) and the other is the overlong toe. The "tapered wedge" is what I'm calling a shoe that, when you stand up in it, occupies about the same floor space as a postage stamp. If you're on sabbatical from Cirque du Soleil, you might even be able to walk in them. I can only recommend them if you invest in a pair of matching crutches – that way you'll be one step ahead (ahem).

Personally, I have never really got on with Louboutin – every pair I have ever tried have been excruciating and he will persist in designing idiotically high shoes for idiotically high prices. Although, to be fair to M Louboutin, I will admit to serially trying on his shoes just to see if my tiny hooves can be taught to tolerate them. I yearn for a red instep but I just don't have Louboutin feet. On my last visit to the shop I was almost seduced by a pair of foxy tartan jobbies had it not been for the price, and the height. So, in fact, I rest my case.

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